Survivor reflections over time
Staying Stuck In Grief:
Yea, I know that death permanently ends the physical presence of a loved one. Then, mourning and grief assume their place, and no reversal is possible.
Suicide loss is different than other deaths. The means and circumstances surrounding the death violate the natural order of things.
"Why" births, assumptions, speculations, and theories aimed at responding to that unanswerable question. This process runs in unpredictable cycles. Either countless dead-ends or emotional exhaustion will halt the search temporarily. Yet it will restart with the slightest, trigger.
The truth is always "I don't know," yet the question will come to life, again.
As years have slipped away, I have come to think of it as a treadmill. You commence to walk or run until exhausted, and step off. You find you are right where you started.
It makes no difference how convinced a survivor becomes (of the fruitlessness of this search routine) it happens. Human nature is to find an explanation.
At the conclusions of a physical exercise routine, you will be tired and maybe sore the next day. But you can become stronger as time moves along.
If you exercise the "why" search routine, it will exhaust you as well. However, this process can make you emotionally stronger. Both require appropriate rest periods.
Physical and emotional exercise accomplished alone can work. But, when navigating uncharted waters, an experienced pilot can help us reach the destination faster and with confidence. Trial and error elongate the trip and allow you to overlook critical satisfactions points along the way.
Another common characteristic of human nature is to think we know and can do this all by yourself. Just another factor that allows many to remain stuck in grief. In the end, each has the right to choose their path out of "THE pit."