Dealing with Reality:
I wake up this morning to see the checker flag about to be waved for another birthday. It will be flying at 8:10 am.
The longevity standard in my great grandfather W. T. Johnson’s lineage is Gladys Johnson Stokley at 101 years seven months and eight days. Yea, pretty amazing to see the number.
So it was W.T. Johnson, E.E. Johnson, Paul Johnson and then me.
I come here with 78 years in my rear-view mirror. I have seen and lived through a lot.
I have limited formal “sanctioned” education (well, I did graduate from High School.) So my awareness and understanding have come by walking life’s road.
I have observed that it is commonplace to withhold details regarding traumatic experiences especially – murder and suicide. Outsiders are obscured from the feelings you have and will endure. No amount of effort (which is itself emotionally taxing) will change that. So don’t let yourself get tied up with what others will think.
You did what you thought was best at the time. Had you chosen some other way, would it have been different? Sure but trying to figure that all out is a trip to frustration and never real peace. In other words, whatever scenario you devise can NEVER be validated. Discussion along those lines commonly lead to conflict. Not peace.
After years of doing that (and some wise counseling) I was finally able to stop going down that dead-end path.
You cannot allow yourself to get overly concerned about what other people think. You have and never will have control over that. Another trip down Frustration Avenue that does not lead to peace.
I have personally come to believe that the right kind of counseling is what lead me out of THE PIT. I spend way too much time listening to my friends (who were more clueless than I was.) I knew they cared but was not wise enough to know that time “alone” was not going to make the difference I needed.
Suicide is an incredibly unique form of trauma. It requires enormous adjustment for each survivor.
I was blessed to find folks that could help. I was blessed to finally quit trying to do it all myself. I was blessed to finally LISTEN to what I was being told (by survivors ahead of me on the path) and quit thinking I knew better (because I didn’t.)
There are plenty of folks on this site who can help. Unfortunately, in those early times, you are typically not willing to accept help. I know I wasn’t and I wasted a lot of time, I can never recover.
You are okay; you did what you did. If you had done it differently, would things have changed and on and on? This cycle will repeat itself over and over as time goes along. It can be managed, however.
You can over and over find yourself going down Frustration Avenue. Committing not to go there is somehow contrary to what is in our hearts. We want things to be different, and that will never happen. Hard to accept.
dJ Dealing with Reality – V0 – 0813.2018