Complex Adjustments After Suicide:
Personal (situational) difficulties are unavoidable and ubiquitous. These pitfalls can snuff the light out of a survivor leaving him living in the shadows.
But, then we continue to masquerade around as though nothing has changed. To get on to the next day, we are left to adjust our expectations or pretend, that we are okay. Pretending is grueling work. I have watched folks, deeply hurt, yet their persona does not reveal their insides.
Some grievers do a better job of masking their situation. Some will spend a lifetime nursing wounds that don't heal. Emotional scars retain the power to remind us that the past was real.
I suppose we have all learned to perform. I call it "performance mode." We start in childhood. We learn to pretend and become masters of excuses. So, at times we all operate in “performance mode.”
Life is a sequence of experiences. In our growing up years, exposure to abuse and neglect can lead to permanent emotional handicaps. Subsequent encounters have us comparing current situations with our history. The reality is any one of these can take a toll on our self-esteem.
Teachers and other role models can inspire us to rise above our past. None of mine were famous. They were only “famous” in my eyes. None would have been considered “near perfect.” Then there were a couple that were demeaning. SAD stuff.
The human spirit drives us to qualify our character for public recognition. Suicide puts an irreparable glitch in our timeline.
I spent years, as a survivor, thinking I had to explain the unexplainable. No matter what conclusions I came to, given time and new insights, I would change my mind. Afterward, I would struggle to translate my assessments into meaningful dialogue. Invariably it fell short and in the end, further compromised my situation.
Below the surface chatter, was the ever-present question "why?" Why persists to this day. It has a life of its own.
After some years, I was comfortable with saying “I do not know.” That was the truth, so simple, yet so complex.
Today, I am acutely aware of the complication of explaining myself. So why should I expect to understand why someone would voluntarily end life.
Emotions need some level of balance to achieve PEACE.
Through it all, there is still hope. Hope that we will find someone to share with, care with, help us heal and encourage us to get up and Keep On, Keeping On.
FHAS-Complex Adjustments After Suicide –V09-0929.2018