About Why Folks Do Not Understand Us:
Some time back, I read a long post on not being understood. The question being, and I quote, “Can anyone tell me why I feel like no one understands how I feel.” Many survivors ruminate on that thought in the aftermath of this tragedy. I know I sure did.
We change instantly at the news that we have lost a loved one to suicide. I spent months with scrambled thoughts and reflections constantly churning inside me. They remained submerged . . . just below the surface (a built-in protection mode for when we were in public.) All the while they were always active in my subconscious.
I have hashed and re-hashed this question for years, in suicide grief groups. It evokes the reality that survivors do not know what to do. On top of that there is seldom effective support to provide guidance. In the end, it is up to the survivor to figure it out.
Suicide continues to happen, on average, every 17 minutes, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, in the United States. If anyone is going to bring change in this situation, it has to be one of us survivors. Yep, it is all about educating others on support for the days ahead.
Like so many unfair things in this life, wanting others, who are not affected by a suicide of a loved one, to understand our inner emotions is simply an unreasonable expectation. Sure, they might pick out one piece of the emotional debris and give a comforting statement about a similar situation in their lives— but more than likely, they will remain silent and unaware. It is not all about them, since our outward behavior plays a part.
External behavior of others (and ourselves) does not shed light on what is going on inside. We have heard the grief clichés: “looks like you are doing fine; time heals all wounds; God needed another angel.” Yikes, what are these people thinking? At the same time they are viewing our external expressions that are not reflecting our true inside. These uneasy feelings have a life of their own and we are all acting at times.
It is so helpful to encounter other survivors we can identify with. Still finding others who understand some of the turmoil we contend with make statements like “I completely understand.” While statements like this can bear some truth, they don’t bear up to the actual truth. No one will ever fully understand anyone else.
If you look into research studies on human nature, you may initially get the idea that a road maps exist that will take the mystery out of the situations we encounter. While some are helpful at times, even these are far from comprehensive.
The emotional turmoil after a suicide does not match up with other forms of death. Not when you get down to sorting the debris left behind. With most other deaths there are explanations that can help you and others to understand your feelings. After a suicide, while there are endless explanations offered, most all of them are based on a set of assumptions that can never be validated. The unanswerable questions such as what if, why not, could have, should have, remain eternally etched in our memory. The search for truth goes on, and on, and on.
Below are some reasonable things that may help begin the process of rebuilding this different life. (Trust me, there are many more.)
1st - Don’t try to go it alone. You can get easily off track and this can lead to isolation. I have never witnessed going solo a helpful approach. Many get stuck carrying-on alone till death. Sad, but true.
2nd - Don’t wait for help only from an identical match. Don’t expect to meet another survivor who has experienced the same loss as you have (i.e. relationship, age, gender, education, experiences and psychological personality.) While waiting for the “perfect match” (so to speak) is not a show stopper, it will delay you in finding the support you need.
3rd - Don’t contemplate these issues every day. A regular interval- once a week -- gives you six lighter days to know you are intentionally putting off the rumination. Yet having a time interval to think. Then knowing the day and time you are going to address old and new issues sets some order and enforces discipline. It helps you prepare for “THAT” day. That day being a support group, a meeting or a phone conversation with another individual.
4th - Don’t set an expectation for things to return to the “way they were.” That is not going to happen. Realistic expectation are an absolute requirement.
5th - Along this same line of thought, don’t expect some instant gold nugget, life changing event. Survivors find creating a new life (or maybe you could say “modified, adjusted life) is a slow and methodical process. Just like after strenuous exercise you will get sore.
6th - Consciously look for blessings in your life, no matter how small.
7th – Begin the blessings search by getting some help to adjust your outlook. The concept of a “gratitude journal” was a stretch for me in the beginning. After a while, I could no longer argue it was a waste. It helped me change my moody thinking pattern.
Journaling can diminish the buildup of negative thoughts and feelings. A spiral notebook is fine, it does not need to be a leather-bound fancy thing.
Bed time is an ideal time to do this.
8th - To help you become more conversant, when relating your story, regardless of the audience, journaling is a powerful skill. After you make entries, it is common to go back and read how you were thinking and expressing yourself – as life moves along. It is also common to change your mind and express thoughts along the same line from a different point of view. When the value of the journaling exercises begin to sink in, some will re-write their current views. This can mature to the point of helping another survivor. A double bonus.
9th - Becoming conversant in written form will help you, when relating your story in conversation. This process of writing it down and editing it multiple times will help you understand yourself. The results is you will be better equipped to express yourself on various situations.
10th This generally seems unnecessary when your first attempts are made. The value of journaling will become clear, once you get started. When you become aware of your core feelings, revealing them becomes easier. You will have endless opportunities to express yourself as life moves along, i.e. meeting new people and answering their questions. It still happens to me - like going to a new doctor, for example. Nothing helped me rebuild more than writing and face-to-face support sessions.
I was reported to have said -- “I am hiding out inside” - during my wife’s memorial service. It would be a long time before I realized how accurate that statement was. That would likely be true today if it were not for journaling and support sessions.
Don’t miss doing your emotional exercises. They will make you stronger.
11th Pick out realistic things you can do to help someone else, walking this same path. It tends to move your focus outside yourself. The realization that you are not who you once were, unfortunately is just some of the baggage that survivors inherit. Knowing your friends expect you to be – as before – they are uncomfortable, and being around a moody person is not going to hold up indefinitely. Yea, another hard pill to swallow.
It is common to get angry over this issue. Finding another survivor to assist can be mutually beneficial. Finding the right audience to share needs - must be on your bucket list.
12th Keep your goals realistic. I don’t recommend the idea of starting a foundation to stop the stigma of suicide (for example.) Suicide has been recorded in historical writings and will be around long after we are gone. Taking on an unrealistic task will only compound your frustrations . . . there is too much rejection to deal with.
If you are strongly compelled to change the world’s view of Suicide, start out with only one or two individuals and work from there. Don’t fool yourself into thinking talking to a crowd is going to improve your odds. My experience reflects it will lead to more isolation and rejection. Sad, but true.